I don't know how to start this post, because part of me is scared to. Lately, I have only deigned to update my blog when I'm feeling down, or when I have some problem or another. This has to change.
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As soon as I reached KL, a lot of things came crashing down on me. My family has commented that I'm not the same carefree, "joyous" smiley person that they saw in July. Over the past 4 months, a lot of change has occured. Priorities have shifted, principles have been tested, life as I once knew it has changed.
I am now an adult - I suddenly realised this. No longer am I the wide-eyed naive young boy who left home expecting things to be all hunky dory, like they always were. I moved out of my comfort zone, out of a life of unrealised luxury, out of protection, out of guardianship, into a life of total and utter freedom. Freedom in both good and bad ways. Freedom brought the need to make decisions on my own, the ability to make mistakes, and the necessity to pay for the copious amount of mistakes that I made. Freedom corrupted me, but it enlightened me as well.
Melbourne changed me for better and for worse. I went there over confident and pampered, and I returned an insecure shell, but very much independant. I left naive, I returned very much the wiser. I can now carry out anything with conviction. I am now a teamworker, a person who can hold much responsibility, a people-person, a people-pleaser. I expanded my horizons, and sharpened whatever skills I had as weapons. I learnt my strengths and weaknesses, and really, that's the best gift this year.
However, I fell victim to certain hunters. College transformed me from a materialistic snob to a grounded person with the love of others. School destroyed my perceptions of friendships, college rebuilt them to greater heights. Melbourne restructured those perceptions - complications and new conditions. However, in the end - I gained great people that I have the honour of calling friends.
I also learnt that friends that you try your best to hold on to can drift away. You may be in the same country, the same city, the same uni - but a person that you trusted with everything, could no longer be there for you the way they once were. But to complement this, I learnt that friendships never end, and everyday is an opportunity to meet more great people. And I also learnt that the best friends you could have are the ones that are not afraid to try make you live the way you know you should even if you pretend otherwise. True friends are those that accept you for who you are, and not who they want you to be. An important lesson :)
Money, greed, pressure - I came out with battle scars. I placed so many things above things that were more important - family and studies. I've learnt my lesson. I fought to get things that I thought I needed, I weathered disappointment, rejection, hurt to try to prove myself to others - until I realised I didn't need to. This year has been one hell of a roller coaster. Up and down, without warning, without any constant rhythm or direction. There were so many blockages to that light at the end of the tunnel. But in the end, I've made it. Or at least, I'm almost there.
I fell in love for the first time, I confronted personal demons for the first time, I enhanced my relationship with God for the first time in a long time. So while this year may have spit me out with the outward appearance of a wizened shell of a past-me, it's going to be like a phoenix. Phoenixes rise from the ashes - from a soot black deformity to a glorious strong, proud, beautiful wonder. Next year, I may be away from places I am so familiar with, places I went to in times of trouble, and other things. I'll have a roommate, and I'll be living further away from the city - things are going to change. But I'm going to face them.
And I'm going to set my priorities straight, and I'm going to deal with all this pain, hurt, and disappointment in my life. I am going to look to God, I am going to look to my family, and I'm going to look to my friends. I'm going to learn who my TRUE friends are, and I'm going to see the love of my family, and I'm going to trust in Him.
I want to become a better person. Melbourne has set me well on the way to becoming a man of strength, power and conviction, but I have to complete the process here. I have to deal with my personal demons, and I hope that next year, I will have my friends to help me keep the progress up. I can't wait to experience life with dear friends, some who will be geographically closer to me now, and also with those than I'm going to be moving away from. Some weeds in my life have to go. And some of my priorities need to be revamped. And friends that have my best at heart, need to be appreciated more. These are my new years resolutions.
As I said, I'm scared. I hope I'll be able to say that soon :)
I have everything in life going for me, except for one thing : I need to grow out of some issues that I have been running from for a while. Next year : I'm a new me. It took a lot for me to realise what I've been doing wrong. Results were the tipping point - I don't know HOW I managed to get through everything - I did well considering the minimal effort I put into my studies this semester. And other things : impressing people who I know aren't important to me, and probably detrimental to my character development.
Oh, and I have to get something out there. Some people think that they INFLUENCE me. That they exert "peer pressure" on me. For example, when I was asking you about something I wanted to buy, you went behind my back and told a friend of mine "wants to copy me again is it?". I laughed :P Cause people who I didn't even care about "impressing" thought they had some power over me. Sigh. If only you knew what I knew.
Omgosh, I just realised that a number of people would think that paragraph applied to them...aiyah, so what la, a bit of worry in your life can't hurt :P
This is my "anti" new year's post. Cause there is duality in this world. One is the excellent side of life, and the other is the one people try to hide - the anti side. This is my anti-side. New year's post will be my everyday side - the normal one. But, anti-side needed some exposure :)
Thank you, and goodbye :)
